About two years ago we almost adopted a child. The mother was only 14 and willing to give her baby to us. For a brief time I thought I might actually be a mom. Happiness welled inside me and I cried. But, the father’s family wanted to keep the baby. It didn’t work out. I cried again.

Looking back, it was the first time I really got excited about adoption. We thought about it before. But, there has always been a part of me that has wanted to have a child that was a part of me and a part of John. I still have that hope. Only now it doesn’t seem to matter as much.

Not long before, John and I went through IVF. We went through two cycles. Both ended up in pregnancies. Both pregnancies terminated. The first at around 12 weeks. The second almost immediately. The first was a trisomy (which basically means there was a genetic defect). Nature’s way. God’s way. The second was too early to tell. I think a part of me died each time, too. This was on top of trying on our own for several years and also trying inseminations.

I wish I started a blog before. Or a diary. Even if no one reads this now, it’s ok. At least I have something to help me remember and maybe, just maybe, show to our child some day. And, if I can help someone else going through what I’ve been through, and what I’m about to go through, then the time spent writing my experiences may be worth something.  I’m thinking about all of it now and I wouldn’t know how to explain it all or the roller coaster of emotions. Only that I am still sad, still exhausted, still trusting and accepting whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

Last year we tried inseminations again without any luck. We can’t afford IVF anymore, even if it is our best bet at this time. Instead we’re considering these alternatives: the Creighton Model, acupuncture, Ayurveda, and adoption (again). We renewed our home study for adoption. We have a new adoption attorney. We are running newspaper ads. We even recorded a radio ad last week which will start running late February. We will attend our first Creighton Model class the first week of February.

And so we begin again. The journey will be here for you to follow if you wish.