Blue Valentine Got Me Feeling Blue

January 30, 2011 at 6:29 am · Filed under Infertility and tagged: chemical pregnancy, D & C, D and C, dilation and curretage, genetic defect, HCG, HCG levels, IVF, miscarriage, Trisomy, Trisomy 16

Movies today. John and I went to a matinée and saw “Blue Valentine.” There was a flashback scene in the movie where one of the main character’s is about to get an abortion. She can’t go through with it. Ends up keeping the baby and marrying her boyfriend. I had a hard time watching the abortion scene because it reminded me of my D & C (dilation and curettage) years ago. This a procedure normally performed when a baby dies, but  a miscarriage does not occur.

John and I went through IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). After the first attempt, I did get pregnant. I remember my first ultrasound. The doctor showed me the tiniest little blip on the screen and told me it was the baby’s heartbeat. It was amazing. But, after about a week of blood tests and testing my HCG levels, my HCG leveled off when it should have kept doubling. The next ultrasound revealed that the baby was no longer alive. For anyone who has undergone IVF, the most nerve wrecking part of it all is going back repeatedly do have your blood drawn to test HCG levels.

The baby died pretty early on. I can’t remember exactly, but it must have only been around 10 weeks. I had to get a D & C, which removes the dead fetus and whatever tissue is left in the uterus. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I remember being in the OR, the nurses and doctor prepping me. Step by step, they walked me through what would happen next. I was awake. They only gave me a mild sedative, and, I think, some Valium. It was horrible. I can still hear the sound of the machine suctioning out my uterus. It was much louder than I thought it would be.

Afterward, the doctor and the nurses gathered around the to look at the fetus. I never did see it. They took it away to do lab work, to see what they could find out about the termination of the pregnancy.

Later, tests would reveal that it was a Trisomy 16 or genetic defect. So, it was probably for the best. Natures way. Still, it is an experience I’ll never forget.

We tried IVF a second time. I got pregnant again. It terminated earlier than the first. No DNC needed. No tests. They called it a chemical pregnancy, which is an odd term, and makes it seem like there never was one at all.

That was the last time we tried IVF.

Funny how certain scenes in a movie are just so true to life. Actually, this movie was very good and realistic about relationships in general. It was a heartbreaking story about two people who just couldn’t make things work. I knew the gist of the movie going in. But, I just wasn’t prepared for the one scene.

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